What if the grass was greener on the otherside?

Lately my work has been so frustrating. For a couple of months things where going great, then I lost half of my shifts, then I picked some up and now I've lost even more hours then before. My pay has pretty much been cut in half yet again. It's frustrating because of the insecurity my work holds. You never know when I client is going to be taken from the service which results in you losing shifts. So I have decided that it's time to quit. I soon will be quitting my job as soon as I find a replacement. I'm thinking about applying for a forklift driver job for the time being and then continue to look for a youth work position that is fulltime and so I get job security with set hours and set pay etc. I am doing this because I don't feel as thoguh I have a choice and it's putting a lot of pressure on myself and my relationship with Katy. Around this time next year I would like to be looking at buying an engagement ring and proposing to Katy. With the current situation with my employment I wouldn't be able to do that if it continues. It's hard because I have never had to think about anyone else when it comes to my income. In my previous relationship with Nikki, I accepted the thought that I was going to be living in Salisbury for the rest of my life. I didn't like it but I accepted it for 9 months. Now after meeting Katy I've realised the possiblities for my life and the great things that can come from it. In order for these great things to happen I need job security. I can't make a career out of not knowing if my work is stable or not.

As I said before, it is putting pressure on my relationship with Katy. I have been and still am stressing about my current situation. Many youth work jobs require a full drivers license which I don't have because I'm still on my P's. Katy has her career going and is a graduate midwife. She was brought up in a wealthy family is extremley smart. Sometimes I wonder whether or not she is in denly about how smart I actually am. Don't get me wrong, I do have a good head on my shoulders, rather I'm not very book smart. I'm street smart, which I guess what makes me good at youth work. Going to uni and getting a degree etc is like climbing Mt Everast for your average person. It's not going to happen. They may try like I did with uni, but failed. I know Katy loves me, I will not ever question that, but how far can that love go? What if I never end up in a well paid youth work job? Would her love for me be enough to accept that? If you ask me and if I was being honest, I honestly don't know. We are from two different worlds and I'm not sure if we are trying to merge these worlds together or rather pull one another into each others own world. In the world I'm from, getting a job is a massive achievement, continuely being employed is a triumph. I don't think Katy understands this or how hard it actually is for me. Many youth work jobs require me to write a cover letter, this to me is as bad as a 3000 word essay due the next day. This is my reality and I don't think Katy understands that.

It makes me wonder whether or not I am actually good enough for Katy. I mean, am I really? Im in a profession that doesn't pay well, this is the reality of it. I continue to do what I do because I love my work even though the money is shit. But the question that needs to answered is will Katy love me for the rest of our lives if the money is shit? Knowing that she will most probably be the main bread winner because the lack of money I earn as a youth worker. The trouble is that even if I did ask Katy that, I'm pretty sure she would say something along the lines of, "We'll deal with that in the future when it happens." She can't stand talking about the future. I feel like whenever I talk about getting engaged next year or even moving in together I'm walking on thin ice. But the reality is that I am in love with her and if we break up then I'll be shattered. My world would come to a crushing stop. She is my world. I'm the one that openly says that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Yet she'll continuely bring up stupid situations followed by, "if you ever did etc, I would break up with you." It's as though she is more comfortable with telling me that she'll break up with me then actually saying she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. So how do you talk about the future with someone who doesn't want to talk about the future? If you know the answer, please do share it. I get the feeling that these next 3 months will decide my future with Katy. Whether or not we can make this work. I honestly don't know if we will end up together anymore. It's not because I don't love her enough, rather I'm not sure whether or not love with be enough for her...

There is nothing else I can do...

Today at 1:16pm, I found out how hard the world of youth work can be. The client whom I work 4 nights a week with whom we shall call 'Scott' is 17 and was in a residential care placement for the last months. Scott was a one step forward, two steps back kind of client. He smoked weed everyday and smoked quite a few of my cigarettes when I was on shift. The potential for him to go far in life was there for his taking, but this was one that he wished not to touch. He fooled us by talking about how he wanted to do tafe courses, go back to school, get a job etc but when we organised all of this, he never once came through.
There were times of which we all thought we were making progress with him. infact there a couple of periods of 2 weeks when he wouldn't smoke pot or stay at the placement rather then go out Thursday night and return Monday. We then realised that this only ever happened when he lost his phone and wasnt able to get into contact with his friends. Slowly we began to lose hope in Scott because he was only going to be in care for one more year then he was free to discover the world, but wasn't taking advantage of his situation, well not in the way we wanted to.
On Monday night I posted on facebook, "Andrew Vandenberg is fighting the toughest battle of youth work, doing everything you possibly can for a client and getting now where, yet still believing that they can change. At that point I didn't think that Scott was a lost cause. That was until 1:16pm this afternoon.
I recieved a phone call from work informing me that they are shutting down Scott's placement effective immediately. I tried calling Scott to inform him as to what was going on but as usual his phone was turned off. So somewhere in Craigmore is a 17 year old boy getting stoned with his friends not knowing that he is now homeless because a group of office workers have lost hope in him. I think it's pathetic and heart breaking. It frustrates me because it feels like all of the hard work that we have put in to Scott has now gone to waste. He is 17 and was a tough client to get through to, but we connected with him on his level. I remember telling him that I will always do everything I can to help him, even when he is in the wrong. In fact I promised him this. But not, there is nothing else I can do.
I just hope that Scott remembers everything that the other carers and myself have told him and put it to good use, other wise I don't believe there will be any hope for him. Now is the time to change. I wish Scott all the best. For now I shall still here, smoke a cigarette and feel the pain as a youth worker whom feels like he just lost the battle for his client...

Does it really?

They say that absence makes your heart grow stronger. But does it really? Or is it a time of pain and suffering while your loved one is away? For me it is definitely this. Katie finally comes back on Saturday after 3 awesome weeks for her visiting her friends and family in England. Very single person that I have spoken to about it have all said, "Dude, what are you stressing out for it's only 3 weeks!" Though for the first time yesterday over a nice cold beer and smoke in either hand, a friend of mine who I was sharing my excitement with about Katie getting back said, "3 weeks? Shit! Must have been hell for you!" Thank you. Finally someone hears my cry. It's hard because I don't really want to express to Katie that I'm struggling her away because I don't want it to burden her. But secretly I'm pretty sure she knows. So the age old question, Does absence make the heart go stronger? In short, I'm not sure. If Katie goes away for 3 weeks without me, I will still miss her like crazy and not be able to get her out of my mind. It's all part of being on the journey of love...