4 years later...

About 4 years ago I was at a Catholic Charismatic conference in Bathurst called Summer School. It goes for a week and is an incredible conference. It was there that I decided to join Youth Mission Team. The same night that I decided to join YMT, a group of us went to a club/pub called 'The Fat Cow'. Seriously it was called that. While I was there I spoke to woman whom was also at the conference name Gabrielle Meli. It was love at first sight. I instantly thought this woman was incredible, her smile had me in awe. We got talking and she reveled that she was joining the Adelaide based YMT. Instantly I changed my mind from joining the team in Perth to the Adelaide team. Even though we are suppose to be single for the year and not disclose that we have feelings for a team member, I just had to be with Gaby. I finally convinced the National Manager to put me on the Adelaide team. For the first 3 months me and Gaby were best friends, we pretty much were the rebels of YMT Adelaide. I loved it because it was a connection that did draw us closer. I ended up sharing with my household and to the Adelaide Manager that I was in love with Gaby. Chris whom was also on team said that he could tell from day 1. Everything was put in place to keep me apart from Gaby without making her suspicious of my feelings. Usually in most cases if a team member tells the other team member that he/she has feelings for them, they usually get moved to another team.
I can't remember the exact date in June, but I know it was around lunch time. I just finished getting off the phone to the National Manger explaining that I can't hold it in anymore, that I had to tell her. I leaned over the balcony and saw her. "Gaby, no matter what happens I want you to not leave team this year. You are an incredible person and I'm so sorry to do this to you. But I am in love with you. And now I am going to back my bags and moved teams. I'm sorry." Gaby just loved at me in shock. She walked inside our house, asked Stu (YMT member) where a bible is, then went to the park. I walked in the lounge room where I Stu. We looked at each other in silence. I didn't have to tell him what had just happened, he then walked over to me and gave me a hug as I began to cry.
Minutes later our National manager called me and literally blasted me for doing what I did, it felt as though everyone was against me for shaking up the team so bad. My promise of remaining single and not sharing my feelings with another team member was broken. About four weeks later we fly to Sydney for mid year training. I built up a close relationship at the beginning of the year with Gaby's sister, but when she saw me she walked straight past me as if I didn't even exist. YMT is possibly the most intense year of one's life, so to add this doesn't help at all. I felt as if all of YMT was against me, I even thought of leaving. To my surprise I was allowed to stay in Adelaide. I was told I had to make a decision 'Run away from the shit you have caused or stay and be a part of the solution', I stayed. It took Gaby about 3 months to actually sit down and have a normal conversation with me. We ended up having meeting with myself, Gaby and the Adelaide manager to talk about everything. Gaby even forgave me which was very special. By telling her how I felt, I added to much stress to her life on team.
But then on the evening of 19th November, a group of us had finished indoor soccer. Gaby and I sat out side the girls house, smoking our rolled cigarettes, thinking back over the year that was, and thinking about how we would be finished on team in 3 weeks time. We laughed and smiled. I was still in love. She tilted her head and gave me one of her smiles that moved me. I looked back and said something that very few people know about, 'Gaby, will you marry me'. She smiled but was in shock. She said that it's unfair for me to ask her that while she is on team because she isn't allowed to say yes. She'd tell me at the end of year training. I knew she was going to say yes. The love of my life was about to say she wanted to marry me. At debrief we had our end of year catch up which you have with all team members. I looked at her across the park bench and smiled. She spoke first. Here it was, I'm about to become engaged, 'Andy, I have no intention to marry you and I am not in love with you. So my answer is no I do not want to marry you. I'm sorry.' I looked at her in silence. My heart broke in front of her. I got up and walked to the beach. I cried and smoked a full pack of cigarettes in about 3 hours. In 2007 we caught up and spoke about what happened. She shared with me that her feelings for me were like a roller coaster and was sorry if she led me on.
Today at about lunch time, I check my facebook and saw that Gabrielle Meli recently got engaged on 7th June 2009. I am listening to Sigur Ros, The Nothing Song. You would think that 4 years later I wouldn't be in shock, that I wouldn't miss her smile. It's hard to say goodbye to the ones whom you have loved but have moved on. I pray for all the best for Gaby, but only because I want her to be happy. Me? I'll sit here, listening to the comfort that Sigur Ros is offering...