Very

Confused at the moment...

How much are you worth?

I did something, something very wrong, something of which I am not proud of. I did something that gave Nikki (my ex) a reason to hate me. I did it because I believed and still do believe that it was the only way for her to move on from me. In doing so her whole family hated me. What I did was use one of their family secrets against them but for my benefit. I am not proud of it, but I did it so Nikki would get over me. I was going to profit a large sum of money for doing so. But today I called Nikki's mum and said 'It's over. I can't do this anymore.' And I honestly couldn't. I hated what I was doing and couldn't deal with the guilt of knowing that in order for Nikki to move on, I had to bring her whole family down. So I realised today I had two choices.
1. Wait till September and receive $5000 with the understanding that I forget everything.
or
2. Stay true to myself by keeping the secret to myself and not receive any money for the information I know.

I choose option 2 today. I am not an evil man. I think a lot of the time I portray myself as a hard man, but deep down I am teddy bear. I have morals, I have my beliefs and I am against evil. I do my best to do the right thing by people. Which is why today I threw away $5000 just so a group of people who already hate me, may actually realise that I am a good guy. Though I think only Nikki's mum will ever see me as that. When I said to her the phone today that "...this isn't me. I don't do this to people. I can't do it. I'm not an evil person." She knew what I was saying. So is knowing that your ex girlfriends mum thinks that you are actually a good guy worth throwing away $5000? Possibly not. But it is definitely worth it knowing that I proved to myself that I am actually a really good guy and want the best for people. Staying true to myself is something that money can't buy from me.

Are you ready?

She made me smile and she made me laugh. We had high hopes, even had a bucket list of all the things we wanted to do. I kicked our bucket over tonight. I may had said goodbye to someone whom I could have loved, could have had a future with. Our timing was wrong. My reason was that I need time to be still. Time to be alone with life. Time to rest. And most importantly, time to see who I am behind this mask of mine.

The end of the beginning...

Today I got up at 8:40am, after getting home around 3:30am from my date with Tonia. I rolled over and suddenly my alarm decided to do crazy things. I slowly got out of bed and headed to the gym for my session with Ray. I was looking forward to it because I had to cancel our regular Thursday session because of work. So Sunday 9am was our new time for this week. Tired and wanting to go back to bed, Ray took me on a walk through Salisbury which lead to a dead end street. He made me run back and forth for about 10 minutes. I literally was exhausted. Running for me is my weakness, so it's very hard for me. But there is no chance in hell that it's going to beat me.
At the end of the session we had weigh in. I was worried about it because for the last 2 weeks I didn't lose weight. I was stuck on 130Kg, waiting to lose anything to be in the 120's. So I took my shirt off and hopped on the scales. I looked down to see the result and I instantly said "Your fucking kidding me!" I was shocked by the result. Ray look at it and said, "Shit mate!". I had lose a massive 2kg's! Loved it! i was hoping for at least 1, but to have lost 2 was just amazing. It concluded out 12 week weight loss program. But I have decided to keep going with it and seeing Ray every week.
When I first started he showed me a folder that they show everyone who are thinking about doing the 12 week program. The folder through my eyes has testimonies of the superstars that have done it and come out with incredible results. When I first was reading it, I said to my self "One day I'm going to be in this folder." It would be one of the biggest achievements I could ever accomplish at Pro fitness. Very few people make it to being in the folder because it's a huge part of what draws people into the program. The people's testimonies are the main selling point because they show that if you bust you ass every week you will get the results, and you will. So as I was walking to back to the car, Ray pulled up. He praised me for my efforts of losing 13 Kilos in 12 weeks, the most anyone has lost in the book in the first 12 weeks of training. He then went on to say that he is going to put me into the folder with all the other superstars. I honestly felt like crying because it is such an honour to be compared to those people. To stand next to them and say that we gave 100% for 12 weeks. It wasn't ever easy and there were many times when I wanted to quit. Though when your life is on the line, nothing will hold you back from reaching you goal.
When I'm punching the boxing pads, my arms will burn as though they literally are on fire. When my heart rate is up so high that it feels like it is about to jump out of my chest. When my legs turn to jelly and my body starts to feel exhausted. When I'm at the gym and feel like I can't go on, I will remember what Ray has tattooed on my brain 'Quitting is NOT an option.'

So I may have met a woman...

So her name is Tonia. We get along like old friend would. I like her. She likes me. We talk for hours on the phone. She makes me smile. She is independent. She makes me blush. I'm enjoying whatever it is with her. I am buying her a present today. It may be a corny one, but it has sentimental value. I think she will appreciate my present. I am seeing her this Saturday. She is taking me bowling. Then next Saturday we are having a movie marathon with some nice wine, possibly Annie's Lane Shiraz. She is the window that opened when the door closed. I'm here typing away about a few things of Tonia, not what I had imagined because I didn't have the guts to jump out the window and move on with my life. I indeed did jump out the open window and am enjoying where it is taking me...

Hunting season is now open...

He is 16 and has lived one very tough life. All his life he has been physically abused, moved around, selling drugs and smoking a lot of weed. Sadly he is on his final warning at the youth hostel. If he gets another one, he will be asked to move on to another place. It's hard for me because I am the only worker there who had tapped into his life and made a connection. I did it a couple of weeks ago when I took the young people grocery shopping. He mentioned Blacktown (a rough suburb in Sydney) in a conversation he was having. My ears popped up and I told him that I used to live near there. He questioned me about what happens at Blacktown station to see if I was telling the truth. He was shocked when I told him what that it is one of the most common drug dealing spots in Western Sydney.
Later that night myself and another worker had to speak to him about a warning he was suppose to get. Prior to him coming in the office, I fought my ass off for him and convinced my fellow worker that we shouldn't give him a warning. He came in and had the most amazing conversation I have had with a young person so far. And the beauty of it is that he knows that I have walked in his shoes for a little bit and have a greater understanding of where he has been. I have been inspired to help him as much as I can since watching Good Will Hunting. The way Sean (Robin Williams) connects with Will Hunting (Matt Damon) is breath taking.
There is a part in the movie when Will opens up about the beatings from his foster father. Sean look will in the eye and says "It's not your fault." He repeats this and Will constantly replies "I know." But then Will realizes that it's not his fault. "Don't fuck with me Sean, not you." Sean replies, "It's not your fault". At that moment, Will let Sean hold his broken heart. He trusted him. Sean got through to Will. This was the greatest youth work I've ever seen. In fact it was so great I cried. It was perfect. I thought to myself, how could I not be moved by that?
After watching the movie, I went up to Deanne Gray (One of my lectures, possibly the greatest lecture I will ever have) and asked her if she had seen it. She had and I said guess what my favourite scene was, she instantly replied "It's not your fault". YES! We ended up talking for 20 minutes about how great that scene and the whole movie was. Good Will Hunting has inspired me even more to be the best youth worker that the young people could ever want and need.