What if the grass was greener on the otherside?

Lately my work has been so frustrating. For a couple of months things where going great, then I lost half of my shifts, then I picked some up and now I've lost even more hours then before. My pay has pretty much been cut in half yet again. It's frustrating because of the insecurity my work holds. You never know when I client is going to be taken from the service which results in you losing shifts. So I have decided that it's time to quit. I soon will be quitting my job as soon as I find a replacement. I'm thinking about applying for a forklift driver job for the time being and then continue to look for a youth work position that is fulltime and so I get job security with set hours and set pay etc. I am doing this because I don't feel as thoguh I have a choice and it's putting a lot of pressure on myself and my relationship with Katy. Around this time next year I would like to be looking at buying an engagement ring and proposing to Katy. With the current situation with my employment I wouldn't be able to do that if it continues. It's hard because I have never had to think about anyone else when it comes to my income. In my previous relationship with Nikki, I accepted the thought that I was going to be living in Salisbury for the rest of my life. I didn't like it but I accepted it for 9 months. Now after meeting Katy I've realised the possiblities for my life and the great things that can come from it. In order for these great things to happen I need job security. I can't make a career out of not knowing if my work is stable or not.

As I said before, it is putting pressure on my relationship with Katy. I have been and still am stressing about my current situation. Many youth work jobs require a full drivers license which I don't have because I'm still on my P's. Katy has her career going and is a graduate midwife. She was brought up in a wealthy family is extremley smart. Sometimes I wonder whether or not she is in denly about how smart I actually am. Don't get me wrong, I do have a good head on my shoulders, rather I'm not very book smart. I'm street smart, which I guess what makes me good at youth work. Going to uni and getting a degree etc is like climbing Mt Everast for your average person. It's not going to happen. They may try like I did with uni, but failed. I know Katy loves me, I will not ever question that, but how far can that love go? What if I never end up in a well paid youth work job? Would her love for me be enough to accept that? If you ask me and if I was being honest, I honestly don't know. We are from two different worlds and I'm not sure if we are trying to merge these worlds together or rather pull one another into each others own world. In the world I'm from, getting a job is a massive achievement, continuely being employed is a triumph. I don't think Katy understands this or how hard it actually is for me. Many youth work jobs require me to write a cover letter, this to me is as bad as a 3000 word essay due the next day. This is my reality and I don't think Katy understands that.

It makes me wonder whether or not I am actually good enough for Katy. I mean, am I really? Im in a profession that doesn't pay well, this is the reality of it. I continue to do what I do because I love my work even though the money is shit. But the question that needs to answered is will Katy love me for the rest of our lives if the money is shit? Knowing that she will most probably be the main bread winner because the lack of money I earn as a youth worker. The trouble is that even if I did ask Katy that, I'm pretty sure she would say something along the lines of, "We'll deal with that in the future when it happens." She can't stand talking about the future. I feel like whenever I talk about getting engaged next year or even moving in together I'm walking on thin ice. But the reality is that I am in love with her and if we break up then I'll be shattered. My world would come to a crushing stop. She is my world. I'm the one that openly says that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Yet she'll continuely bring up stupid situations followed by, "if you ever did etc, I would break up with you." It's as though she is more comfortable with telling me that she'll break up with me then actually saying she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. So how do you talk about the future with someone who doesn't want to talk about the future? If you know the answer, please do share it. I get the feeling that these next 3 months will decide my future with Katy. Whether or not we can make this work. I honestly don't know if we will end up together anymore. It's not because I don't love her enough, rather I'm not sure whether or not love with be enough for her...

There is nothing else I can do...

Today at 1:16pm, I found out how hard the world of youth work can be. The client whom I work 4 nights a week with whom we shall call 'Scott' is 17 and was in a residential care placement for the last months. Scott was a one step forward, two steps back kind of client. He smoked weed everyday and smoked quite a few of my cigarettes when I was on shift. The potential for him to go far in life was there for his taking, but this was one that he wished not to touch. He fooled us by talking about how he wanted to do tafe courses, go back to school, get a job etc but when we organised all of this, he never once came through.
There were times of which we all thought we were making progress with him. infact there a couple of periods of 2 weeks when he wouldn't smoke pot or stay at the placement rather then go out Thursday night and return Monday. We then realised that this only ever happened when he lost his phone and wasnt able to get into contact with his friends. Slowly we began to lose hope in Scott because he was only going to be in care for one more year then he was free to discover the world, but wasn't taking advantage of his situation, well not in the way we wanted to.
On Monday night I posted on facebook, "Andrew Vandenberg is fighting the toughest battle of youth work, doing everything you possibly can for a client and getting now where, yet still believing that they can change. At that point I didn't think that Scott was a lost cause. That was until 1:16pm this afternoon.
I recieved a phone call from work informing me that they are shutting down Scott's placement effective immediately. I tried calling Scott to inform him as to what was going on but as usual his phone was turned off. So somewhere in Craigmore is a 17 year old boy getting stoned with his friends not knowing that he is now homeless because a group of office workers have lost hope in him. I think it's pathetic and heart breaking. It frustrates me because it feels like all of the hard work that we have put in to Scott has now gone to waste. He is 17 and was a tough client to get through to, but we connected with him on his level. I remember telling him that I will always do everything I can to help him, even when he is in the wrong. In fact I promised him this. But not, there is nothing else I can do.
I just hope that Scott remembers everything that the other carers and myself have told him and put it to good use, other wise I don't believe there will be any hope for him. Now is the time to change. I wish Scott all the best. For now I shall still here, smoke a cigarette and feel the pain as a youth worker whom feels like he just lost the battle for his client...

Does it really?

They say that absence makes your heart grow stronger. But does it really? Or is it a time of pain and suffering while your loved one is away? For me it is definitely this. Katie finally comes back on Saturday after 3 awesome weeks for her visiting her friends and family in England. Very single person that I have spoken to about it have all said, "Dude, what are you stressing out for it's only 3 weeks!" Though for the first time yesterday over a nice cold beer and smoke in either hand, a friend of mine who I was sharing my excitement with about Katie getting back said, "3 weeks? Shit! Must have been hell for you!" Thank you. Finally someone hears my cry. It's hard because I don't really want to express to Katie that I'm struggling her away because I don't want it to burden her. But secretly I'm pretty sure she knows. So the age old question, Does absence make the heart go stronger? In short, I'm not sure. If Katie goes away for 3 weeks without me, I will still miss her like crazy and not be able to get her out of my mind. It's all part of being on the journey of love...

Did you say it?

Isn't the world we live in such a weird cautious place? Name a place that is just like it with creatures who think the way we do? Does the animal kingdom have the same struggles as us when it comes to relationships? They say we evolved from apes, but do they go through the same mess we call 'dating'? I'm now what I believe is a serious relationship. Well that brings up another thing. Relationships. What's a serious one and what's not. I don't believe it's a relationship when you are just sleeping together, yet people will describe their relationship as 'seeing each other'. So what does that mean exactly? We all seem to have our our meanings for these words. I once dated (well I thought we were dating) who said we were casually dating. I was confused and asked what she meant. She said that it was us getting to know each other and still having the physical side of things as well. What She failed to tell me was that to her casual dating means that she was also casually dating other guys at the same time. It lasted about 2 seconds after she told me.

So back to my serious relationship, what makes it a serious relationship you ask? We started off dating (I still believe we are dating), getting to know each other etc. We weren't dating anyone else. We did kiss and hug, we weren't having sex. This frustrated me at first, but we actually had a great honest conversation about it and made us a strong couple. I guess it also set the foundations of our relationship, that communication and honest would make us work. 3 weeks into our relationship it was clear that we were head over heals for each other. Our side under the vine pergola we sat drinking a lot of wine. I looked at Katie, smiled as she smiled back and whispered to her that I was falling in love with her. She said the same in response. A month later I find myself in a tough situation.

For the first time in 7 years I found someone whom I am in love with. Yes I said, I will say it again. I am in love with Katie. Right now she is in England spending 3 weeks over Christmas and New Years with her family. It hurts not seeing her, like a deep painful heart aching hurt. Yet when she calls I can't help to smile and get excited because I am able to hear her voice. I sent her a message a week ago that said something along the lines of, "When you get back I will tell you in three simple words how I feel about you." Her response to it was that it was a sweet message. What does that mean? So now I am stuck. Do I or do I not tell her that I am in love with her. I don't want her to feel pressured by it yet at the same time don't want to say it and not have her say it back.

So do I say it? I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life. Do I say it?

This is it...

It's an incredible feeling when you realise that this is it, I know it's how I have felt the past month. I think it would be fair to say that this year I have meet a lot of pretty incredible people, well they are for a short period of time. They are the women I have been on dates with and seem to be what I'm looking for. Then for some reason the find the need to start playing games. Ask anyone that knows me and they will back me up when I say that I don't play games when it comes to my heart. Especially when you hear, "You're seriously such a great guy, but you deserve someone better then me." I've had always wanted to say, "Yeah you're right. I don't deserve such heartless person like you." I said it to a girl called Marissa this year. She didn't take it too well, but I though it was justified. So I guess you could say I gave up on meeting/finding someone. I started to question why I wasn't good enough for anyone. Though the reality is that I was too good for the women I dated this year. I don't mean to sound cocky, but I now can say that I probably was too good for them. So I guess you could say I that I threw it in. I didn't think I would meet someone. Then a woman named Katharine Denise Townsend came along.

She is in England right now and I hurts that I can't see her. We have been together for over a month now. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. We will lay in bed, I'll be watching Family Guy and out of the corner of my eye I will catch her staring at me. She doesn't glance away but continues to smile and look at my soul. It is a priceless thing to see. Truly knowing that someone isn't looking at your eyes or your physical being, but straight to the center of your soul. It is beautiful. It wouldn't surprise me if I end up with Katie, that she could be the one I marry. We are gladly falling in love with each other. In fact if I was with her forever, it wouldn't be long enough. She makes me so happy and I am looking forward to the adventures we will share in the future. This is it, she is it...

The Chase is on...

I was thinking about my views on myself having sex. I ever since I lost my virginity when I was 16, I have slept with 10 women. I was thinking about that number and breaking into the double digits once used to be an achievement, but now, I feel so disgusted by it. What makes it worse is that it's something that you can not erase. Time machines do not exists for me to turn back time and change a few things, I don't think I would anyway. It's come to that time where you realise what you have done and just have to deal with it.

I've abused my body all my life through drugs, binge drinking, junk food and random hook ups. Now I'm taking a stand, saying enough is enough! So I've decided to start respecting my body. I've cut out junk food and am committed to my gym. And as of last night, I'm committing myself to waiting till I'm married to have sex and everything else except kissing. This is going to be extremely hard for me. I've made this commitment before but for reasons other than myself. This time I'm not doing it to please anyone else but me. And it scares me. Many times this year I've had to say goodbye to massive parts of my life; my best friend Ryan, Nikki, my over weight body and now sex. I'm a better person for it. I look in the mirror and am starting to become proud of what I see, by waiting till I'm married to have sex will help me on my journey to become proud of the man I am becoming.

The final 24 hours of your life...

Being thinking about this for awhile, possibly because I am a planner. For many years now the thought of my final 24 hours of life has been thrown around my mind many a times. So much so that I have ground rules of how to answer it. It can be any 24 hour period, not just from midnight to midnight. You can do whatever you want in that 24 hour period, but it has to realistic. No you can't fly to the moon or kiss Drew Barrymore (oh how I would love to do that). Be truthful about it. Think deeply as to what you would do, remember, it is your final 24 hours of your life. Play it out wisely. So below is my 24 hours, it shall begin at 6:30am...

6:30am: I will drive to a cafe, yet to be decided which one, but I will drive there with window down. I want to feel the morning breeze upon my face, breath in the smell of which the morning is offering. Definitely going to parallel park because it's something I struggle to do. It would be awesome to say that I did it perfectly. For breakfast I shall have bircher muesli, bacon and eggs, toast and a latté . My favourite breakfast, with two incredible people, Sylvia my foster mum and Amanda my case worker. I love these two women so much. Sylvia will have her two cigarettes for breakfast. She has done this ever since I can remember. Amanda will smoke just because Sylvia is smoking, they too will have a coffee. We will laugh about how I was a terror of a kid, but look back, smile and be grateful of each others presences in one an others lives.

9:30am: Personal training session with Ray. He will definitely push me beyond my limits as he has always done. Even though it would be my last session he will continue to remind me that quitting is not an option. I understand now that it isn't an option, so I will fight through the pain of the session. We will have weigh in of which he will as always remind me how great I'm doing. I am always grateful for his kind words.

10:00am: Sauna time :) I love sauna's, especially the smell of them. Weird I know, but they are incredible. I hate the summer, but I love saunas.

12:00pm: Gringos with Judy. We will each Nachos and drink sangria's as we have done before. This is my church, this is where I go to meet Jesus and where he comes to meet me. It's a time where we can just be still, watch the world pass us by. Share stories of our days and offer advice and encouragement. Most of all it's an opportunity to let our guards down. To lay it all on the table. To be at peace.

2:30pm: Have coffee with Dee. Another person whom I love dearly. She is the most incredible lecturer I will ever meet. We had coffee today at Cibos today. We spoke about Malism and identity. We always have incredible talks, they always seem to be life changing. I'm honored to be her student.

3:30pm: Watch Good Will Hunting and Braveheart. Two of the greatest movies of all time. I'd love to watch it at the cinema's. Have everyone there with popcorn and drinks, that would be awesome. Both movies have changed my life in their own unique way. I know they are just movies, but the message and story of them was life changing. It's funny how so many things in my life are life changing isn't it?

7:00pm: Massive BBQ at my house. Just a get together of everyone whom I had every been in contact with. I think it's important to have everyone together and thank them all for their contribution to my life and the impact they have had on it. Would be awesome to see everyone smiling, and also interacting and telling stories of how they played their own part in my life

10:00pm: PARTY TIME! Head to casino for some poker and party on! It's all about the nights I will never remember, with the friends I will never forget :)

4:30am: Slowly make my way out of the pub/club that we were at. I wouldn't want to tell anyone that I was going, except maybe one person. I won't mention this persons name, but I would kiss her goodbye, the only person would I would actually kiss goodbye. I would tell her that I loved her as much as a friend could love someone. When we are outside I want it to rain heavily. I would love my last conversation with this person to be in the rain. I would cry with a smile on my face because I would be sad to say goodbye. I would kiss her softly, then whisper in her ear, 'You are the most beautiful person in the whole world.' Slowly looking at her and everyone else for the last time I would walk away with my hand in the air making the peace sign.

5:30am: Grange beach. Here is the place of my final goodbyes to two men. There names are Luke and Ryan, my best friends. We would be having a little breakfast BBQ while drinking Jack Daniels, then German beers and then Annie's Lane Shiraz, sharing a cigar bought in Mexico while watching the sunrise. This would be it. It wouldn't be the end, rather it would be the beginning. I would wake to the waters edge and spread my wings ready to fly. While looking to the sky with my eyes closed I would whisper, 'Thank you my friends for making whatever it was, the way it was. Into your hands Lord, I command my spirit." The wind will pick me up and I will fly into the sunset.

So I ask you this. Think about how you want to spend your final 24 hours. We never know when our final 24 hours will begin, so make the most out of every day.

Shalom.

Invincible...

As many people know about me, I love driving. Whether it is around the corner to the shops or a massive drive, I love it. Over the few months of having my license I have become a very confident driver, learning the limits of my car and how hard I can thrash it while still controlling it. Through doing this I had the sense of being invincible, that nothing could hurt me while I was in the drivers seat. This was until 2pm 31st July 2009. I was driving along West Terrace in the city when all of a sudden the two cars in front of me slammed on their brakes. In fear I did the same. I went from going 60kph, to going millimeters per second because everything began to move in slow motion. I heard my wheels screech as I approached the car in front of me. My body tensed up, ready to embrace the impact of the car. Then it happened. I slammed into the back of the Mazda 3. We turned the corner and I sat in my car for a minute. I needed to process what had just happened. Even though it was only a small accident, it shook me up completely. I was even scared to get back in my car. I went and spaced out at Koorong over a latté for about 2 hours. This wasn't meant to happen. Over and over again I replayed what had happened, haunting myself more. The reality is that I am not invincible in the drivers seat, my lesson has been learnt.

Very

Confused at the moment...

How much are you worth?

I did something, something very wrong, something of which I am not proud of. I did something that gave Nikki (my ex) a reason to hate me. I did it because I believed and still do believe that it was the only way for her to move on from me. In doing so her whole family hated me. What I did was use one of their family secrets against them but for my benefit. I am not proud of it, but I did it so Nikki would get over me. I was going to profit a large sum of money for doing so. But today I called Nikki's mum and said 'It's over. I can't do this anymore.' And I honestly couldn't. I hated what I was doing and couldn't deal with the guilt of knowing that in order for Nikki to move on, I had to bring her whole family down. So I realised today I had two choices.
1. Wait till September and receive $5000 with the understanding that I forget everything.
or
2. Stay true to myself by keeping the secret to myself and not receive any money for the information I know.

I choose option 2 today. I am not an evil man. I think a lot of the time I portray myself as a hard man, but deep down I am teddy bear. I have morals, I have my beliefs and I am against evil. I do my best to do the right thing by people. Which is why today I threw away $5000 just so a group of people who already hate me, may actually realise that I am a good guy. Though I think only Nikki's mum will ever see me as that. When I said to her the phone today that "...this isn't me. I don't do this to people. I can't do it. I'm not an evil person." She knew what I was saying. So is knowing that your ex girlfriends mum thinks that you are actually a good guy worth throwing away $5000? Possibly not. But it is definitely worth it knowing that I proved to myself that I am actually a really good guy and want the best for people. Staying true to myself is something that money can't buy from me.

Are you ready?

She made me smile and she made me laugh. We had high hopes, even had a bucket list of all the things we wanted to do. I kicked our bucket over tonight. I may had said goodbye to someone whom I could have loved, could have had a future with. Our timing was wrong. My reason was that I need time to be still. Time to be alone with life. Time to rest. And most importantly, time to see who I am behind this mask of mine.

The end of the beginning...

Today I got up at 8:40am, after getting home around 3:30am from my date with Tonia. I rolled over and suddenly my alarm decided to do crazy things. I slowly got out of bed and headed to the gym for my session with Ray. I was looking forward to it because I had to cancel our regular Thursday session because of work. So Sunday 9am was our new time for this week. Tired and wanting to go back to bed, Ray took me on a walk through Salisbury which lead to a dead end street. He made me run back and forth for about 10 minutes. I literally was exhausted. Running for me is my weakness, so it's very hard for me. But there is no chance in hell that it's going to beat me.
At the end of the session we had weigh in. I was worried about it because for the last 2 weeks I didn't lose weight. I was stuck on 130Kg, waiting to lose anything to be in the 120's. So I took my shirt off and hopped on the scales. I looked down to see the result and I instantly said "Your fucking kidding me!" I was shocked by the result. Ray look at it and said, "Shit mate!". I had lose a massive 2kg's! Loved it! i was hoping for at least 1, but to have lost 2 was just amazing. It concluded out 12 week weight loss program. But I have decided to keep going with it and seeing Ray every week.
When I first started he showed me a folder that they show everyone who are thinking about doing the 12 week program. The folder through my eyes has testimonies of the superstars that have done it and come out with incredible results. When I first was reading it, I said to my self "One day I'm going to be in this folder." It would be one of the biggest achievements I could ever accomplish at Pro fitness. Very few people make it to being in the folder because it's a huge part of what draws people into the program. The people's testimonies are the main selling point because they show that if you bust you ass every week you will get the results, and you will. So as I was walking to back to the car, Ray pulled up. He praised me for my efforts of losing 13 Kilos in 12 weeks, the most anyone has lost in the book in the first 12 weeks of training. He then went on to say that he is going to put me into the folder with all the other superstars. I honestly felt like crying because it is such an honour to be compared to those people. To stand next to them and say that we gave 100% for 12 weeks. It wasn't ever easy and there were many times when I wanted to quit. Though when your life is on the line, nothing will hold you back from reaching you goal.
When I'm punching the boxing pads, my arms will burn as though they literally are on fire. When my heart rate is up so high that it feels like it is about to jump out of my chest. When my legs turn to jelly and my body starts to feel exhausted. When I'm at the gym and feel like I can't go on, I will remember what Ray has tattooed on my brain 'Quitting is NOT an option.'

So I may have met a woman...

So her name is Tonia. We get along like old friend would. I like her. She likes me. We talk for hours on the phone. She makes me smile. She is independent. She makes me blush. I'm enjoying whatever it is with her. I am buying her a present today. It may be a corny one, but it has sentimental value. I think she will appreciate my present. I am seeing her this Saturday. She is taking me bowling. Then next Saturday we are having a movie marathon with some nice wine, possibly Annie's Lane Shiraz. She is the window that opened when the door closed. I'm here typing away about a few things of Tonia, not what I had imagined because I didn't have the guts to jump out the window and move on with my life. I indeed did jump out the open window and am enjoying where it is taking me...

Hunting season is now open...

He is 16 and has lived one very tough life. All his life he has been physically abused, moved around, selling drugs and smoking a lot of weed. Sadly he is on his final warning at the youth hostel. If he gets another one, he will be asked to move on to another place. It's hard for me because I am the only worker there who had tapped into his life and made a connection. I did it a couple of weeks ago when I took the young people grocery shopping. He mentioned Blacktown (a rough suburb in Sydney) in a conversation he was having. My ears popped up and I told him that I used to live near there. He questioned me about what happens at Blacktown station to see if I was telling the truth. He was shocked when I told him what that it is one of the most common drug dealing spots in Western Sydney.
Later that night myself and another worker had to speak to him about a warning he was suppose to get. Prior to him coming in the office, I fought my ass off for him and convinced my fellow worker that we shouldn't give him a warning. He came in and had the most amazing conversation I have had with a young person so far. And the beauty of it is that he knows that I have walked in his shoes for a little bit and have a greater understanding of where he has been. I have been inspired to help him as much as I can since watching Good Will Hunting. The way Sean (Robin Williams) connects with Will Hunting (Matt Damon) is breath taking.
There is a part in the movie when Will opens up about the beatings from his foster father. Sean look will in the eye and says "It's not your fault." He repeats this and Will constantly replies "I know." But then Will realizes that it's not his fault. "Don't fuck with me Sean, not you." Sean replies, "It's not your fault". At that moment, Will let Sean hold his broken heart. He trusted him. Sean got through to Will. This was the greatest youth work I've ever seen. In fact it was so great I cried. It was perfect. I thought to myself, how could I not be moved by that?
After watching the movie, I went up to Deanne Gray (One of my lectures, possibly the greatest lecture I will ever have) and asked her if she had seen it. She had and I said guess what my favourite scene was, she instantly replied "It's not your fault". YES! We ended up talking for 20 minutes about how great that scene and the whole movie was. Good Will Hunting has inspired me even more to be the best youth worker that the young people could ever want and need.

Seeing Double

Last week my PT Ray (Personal Trainer) told me that my goal was to lose 2 kilos because that would then bring my total to 10 kilos. all week I worked as hard as I possibly could. Before weigh in I went for a drive to pray. I told Jesus that I didn't want His help in changing the scales. I didn't want any miracles, I just wanted my sore and tired body to have lost the weight. I honestly felt like I deserved it. But while praying I said something that made me realize that I wouldn't lose the weight, 'If I don't lose it this week, I will lose it next week.' Instantly I felt God tell that I was going to be correct. Minutes later, I stepped upon the scales to see that I hadn't lost any weight at all. Nothing. Not even 100gms. My heart broke a little.
Ray knew I was absolutely guttered. I worked so hard, I even went for a session on Sunday! He was positive about it and led me in another painful session. It's one of the biggest challenges one will ever face when losing weight. Working so hard and getting the results that you don't want, let alone deserve. The body is weird like that. That night I got a message from a friend encouraging me to keep up the hard work. She explained that I would have put on muscle which is heavier than fat, which is why I didn't lose any weight.
During this whole transformation I've been going through, the support I have been given is incredible. I have relied on the support of my close friends because although I have lost all this weight, I look in the mirror and see the same person. It will take a while for me to see the changes just for the fact that I see myself everyday. The last week of the semester I had so many people come up to me and say how great I look. I haven't had anyone say that to me in a long time. So a massive thank you to everyone who has supported me, I am very grateful. Though I would like to single out one particular person.
I would definitely consider her one the closest and most valuable friends I have. The friendship that she has give me is truly a beautiful gift from God. She encourages me every time I see her and always tells me how proud she is of me for the hours I have put in at the gym. Last year when I told her about how I wanted to join a gym when I settled down, she instantly said how great that would be, most importantly, she instantly believed that I would lose an extreme amount of weight. Without her love, friendship, moments at Gringo's and support, this weight loss journey that I am on would be a lot tougher than it already is. You know who you are. You know that you are an amazing friend. I will forever be grateful of our friendship.
So to end this blog I shall tell you that I had a weigh in today. And as Jesus said I would, I indeed lost 2 kilos bringing my total to 10kgs. I huge milestone in my life. I am oh so happy with myself. Peace my friends...

4 years later...

About 4 years ago I was at a Catholic Charismatic conference in Bathurst called Summer School. It goes for a week and is an incredible conference. It was there that I decided to join Youth Mission Team. The same night that I decided to join YMT, a group of us went to a club/pub called 'The Fat Cow'. Seriously it was called that. While I was there I spoke to woman whom was also at the conference name Gabrielle Meli. It was love at first sight. I instantly thought this woman was incredible, her smile had me in awe. We got talking and she reveled that she was joining the Adelaide based YMT. Instantly I changed my mind from joining the team in Perth to the Adelaide team. Even though we are suppose to be single for the year and not disclose that we have feelings for a team member, I just had to be with Gaby. I finally convinced the National Manager to put me on the Adelaide team. For the first 3 months me and Gaby were best friends, we pretty much were the rebels of YMT Adelaide. I loved it because it was a connection that did draw us closer. I ended up sharing with my household and to the Adelaide Manager that I was in love with Gaby. Chris whom was also on team said that he could tell from day 1. Everything was put in place to keep me apart from Gaby without making her suspicious of my feelings. Usually in most cases if a team member tells the other team member that he/she has feelings for them, they usually get moved to another team.
I can't remember the exact date in June, but I know it was around lunch time. I just finished getting off the phone to the National Manger explaining that I can't hold it in anymore, that I had to tell her. I leaned over the balcony and saw her. "Gaby, no matter what happens I want you to not leave team this year. You are an incredible person and I'm so sorry to do this to you. But I am in love with you. And now I am going to back my bags and moved teams. I'm sorry." Gaby just loved at me in shock. She walked inside our house, asked Stu (YMT member) where a bible is, then went to the park. I walked in the lounge room where I Stu. We looked at each other in silence. I didn't have to tell him what had just happened, he then walked over to me and gave me a hug as I began to cry.
Minutes later our National manager called me and literally blasted me for doing what I did, it felt as though everyone was against me for shaking up the team so bad. My promise of remaining single and not sharing my feelings with another team member was broken. About four weeks later we fly to Sydney for mid year training. I built up a close relationship at the beginning of the year with Gaby's sister, but when she saw me she walked straight past me as if I didn't even exist. YMT is possibly the most intense year of one's life, so to add this doesn't help at all. I felt as if all of YMT was against me, I even thought of leaving. To my surprise I was allowed to stay in Adelaide. I was told I had to make a decision 'Run away from the shit you have caused or stay and be a part of the solution', I stayed. It took Gaby about 3 months to actually sit down and have a normal conversation with me. We ended up having meeting with myself, Gaby and the Adelaide manager to talk about everything. Gaby even forgave me which was very special. By telling her how I felt, I added to much stress to her life on team.
But then on the evening of 19th November, a group of us had finished indoor soccer. Gaby and I sat out side the girls house, smoking our rolled cigarettes, thinking back over the year that was, and thinking about how we would be finished on team in 3 weeks time. We laughed and smiled. I was still in love. She tilted her head and gave me one of her smiles that moved me. I looked back and said something that very few people know about, 'Gaby, will you marry me'. She smiled but was in shock. She said that it's unfair for me to ask her that while she is on team because she isn't allowed to say yes. She'd tell me at the end of year training. I knew she was going to say yes. The love of my life was about to say she wanted to marry me. At debrief we had our end of year catch up which you have with all team members. I looked at her across the park bench and smiled. She spoke first. Here it was, I'm about to become engaged, 'Andy, I have no intention to marry you and I am not in love with you. So my answer is no I do not want to marry you. I'm sorry.' I looked at her in silence. My heart broke in front of her. I got up and walked to the beach. I cried and smoked a full pack of cigarettes in about 3 hours. In 2007 we caught up and spoke about what happened. She shared with me that her feelings for me were like a roller coaster and was sorry if she led me on.
Today at about lunch time, I check my facebook and saw that Gabrielle Meli recently got engaged on 7th June 2009. I am listening to Sigur Ros, The Nothing Song. You would think that 4 years later I wouldn't be in shock, that I wouldn't miss her smile. It's hard to say goodbye to the ones whom you have loved but have moved on. I pray for all the best for Gaby, but only because I want her to be happy. Me? I'll sit here, listening to the comfort that Sigur Ros is offering...

His Face...

Imagine God looking at you, with a singular facial expression. What expression would it be?

Constable J Walls Badge No. 39080

Last night, I found myself scared shitless thinking that a police officer was about to literally rip my head off. I pulled out of the Eureka Pub in Salisbury after Poker. I noticed that there was a police car with it's flashing lights blocking the exit. Out of frustration and annoyance, I raised my hands and said "what the hell is going on here?". I then had no choice but to make an illegal turn to get around the police car. In my head I thought that the officer could have parked his car before the exit because he was blocking it. 10 metres forward would have been a lot safer. So then 30 seconds later I saw a police car flashing the lights, so I got into the left lane thinking that there is an emergency. I was that 'emergency'. I pulled into a near by car park, turned off my car off, wound down my window and waited for the cop to come over. As soon as he was at my window he yelled in my face, "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE RAISING YOUR HANDS TO A POLICE CAR THAT HAS IT'S EMERGENCY LIGHTS ON?" That was just the beginning. He went on like this for about a minute until I asked if I could explain what I raised my hands. His response, "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHY YOU RAISED YOUR HANDS, YOUR OPINION DOESN'T MATTER TO ME!" He the asked me to turn my car on put my foot on the break. I asked why and he said, "You wanted my attention, well now I'm going to give you my full attention." At that stage another police officer circled us in which Constable J Walls immediately calmed his tone of voice down. I knew the other officer was a higher rank and that Constable J Walls knew he was in the wrong. I asked him in a loud voice why his tone changed when he saw the other police car circle us. He responded that he didn't even see the other police car even though it was metres away form us the whole time. He the made a list of defections on my car. It is frustrating that my car will be defected in 72 until I fix it, but it is not acceptable to be under verbal abuse or being treated like shit by Constable J Walls. When I drove off, a huge wave of shock filled my body and I began to feel traumatised by the whole incident. We have a legal worker at the youth centre that I work at and I'm planning ask for him in making a complaint. I want to get the recording so I can hopefully bring it forth to a Judge and prove that I was on the suffering end of Constable J Walls abusing his power of authority. It has been 24 hours since it happened and I am still feeling a state of trauma. I understand that there are some really good police officers out there, my foster brother is one of them. But it's Police officers like Constable J Walls who make so many people hate them and have no respect for them. I now know what it's like for a young person to be treated like shit my an officer. There is one thing for sure, Constable J Walls Badge No. 39080 will never be able to question why the public treat him like shit.

The Climb...

I was listening to the radio the other day when Miley Cyrus'new song The Climb was aired.

There's always going to be another mountain I'm always going to want to make it move Always going to be an uphill battle, Sometimes you going to have to lose, Ain't about how fast I get there, Ain't about what?s waiting on the other side It's the climb

In a few hours I will be heading to the gym for a session with my trainer Ray. Thursdays is our day of which we have a one on one training session and also is my weigh in day. Told will be my second weigh in and I'm not confident about it. My goal this week was to lose 2KG but like I said before, I'm not confident. Lately I seem to be putting on a far bit of pressure to lose weight and to train harder because I want to get to my goal weight of under 100KG by the end of the year. So when I heard these lyrics it go me thinking. My weigh ins are is the mountains I wish to move. I'm scared to only lose a small amount of weight because I feel as though I deserve to have a big weight lose for all the hard work I'm doing. But as the song says it's 'Ain't about how fast I get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb' I've got to accept this. Over the coming months my body and mind is going to be transformed, though it's not just about the transformation. It's a journey of discovering who I am and what drives me to continue everyday in life. When you are on a cardio machine and your whole body is telling you to stop, for some reason you continue. The climb, the workouts etc. isn't just about the weight loss. For me it is now a journey of discovering what it is that makes me go that one level higher...

I want to move there, make my life what it is there.

I'm tired. I really am. I am exhausted. Life is weird at the moment. One moment things are going awesome, the next you are questioning so much. Did I mention I'm tired? I'm also 22 on the 18th May, this coming Monday. I'm not really a birthday fan. I think of my dad on my birthday which makes me sad. I miss him. I don't like how when people find out that it's your birthday they instantly wish you happy birthday in a way that they care. I said happy birthday to so many people and yet most of them I couldn't have cared if it was their birthday. Harsh I know. I think it's because for the past few birthdays I've had, it felt as though hardly anyone cared. For my 20th birthday I invited about 20 people out for dinner to celebrate it. We sat at Cafe Primo's for an hour at this huge table and only 4 people showed up. I've never felt so embarrassed in all my life. It hurt me pretty bad. Nearly all the excuses were that they had youth group that night. Fail. I have a lecture on my birthday, it's my favourite lecture so I'm happy to spend my birthday listening to the incredible lectures I have in my life. Though I wouldn't mind finding an awesome hill lookout point that looks over Adelaide. I like look outs. They make me think about things at a much deeper state of mind. I want to move there, make my life what it is there.

I once was him...

My name is Andrew Jeff Vandenberg and I once weighed 141.6 Kilograms. This was the heaviest I've ever been. Believe it or not, in high school I weighed 85Kg. I had the body of an athlete, I was the fastest swimmer in my year level. in Year 7 I swam the 50m Butterfly in 33 seconds, 50m Freestyle in 28 seconds and could run 100m in 12.84 seconds. Every swimming carnival I would easily beat my fellow students. Then I left high school after once I had completed Year 10. I stopped all sports. Over the past 4 years I have put on 56.6Kg. That is pretty much a whole person. I remember in 2007 when I weighed 115Kg telling myself that I'll join a gym and start losing weight. In 2008 I weighed 120Kg, I told myself that if I ever got to 130Kg then I would have to join the gym because it was extremly over weight. Late 2008 I told myself that if I ever got over 140Kg I would definately join the gym. They all were false promises to myself of which I never once was going to follow through.
Being over weight is an experience in life that I would nto wish upon anyone. People look at you differently, think differently about you, treat you differently and view you differently just becuase of you weight. Most women in society say that they want a man with a great sense of humor and personality etc. I beg to differ. Most women in society do not want to date someone who is overweight. I have learnt that it doesn't matter how funny, successful, intellegent etc you are because if you are overweight then the deal is off. Sadly I have learnt that through my experiences over the past couple of years. I do acknowledge that there are a small number of women who look through the layers of skin and stare into your heart, my beautiful girlfriend is one fo those women. I do ask you all not to judge people whom are overweight because it isn't easy to lose weight. Going to the gym and eating healthy food isn't as easy as it sounds. You first have to deal with emotional hold it has on your life, being unmotivated, having to mindset to put things off and being scared of the change.
When I joined Pro Fitness, the biggest thing I was scared of was the change that was going to happen. You see when change accures, you leave something of your old ways behind. As much as I am looking forward to losing 40Kgs, I am scared of it as well. I lose my idenity as an overweight person and take up the new idenity as a healthy weight person. This is something I haven't felt In over 5 years. So I beg you, don't treat people differently because of their weight. Cheers for that.
My name is Andrew Jeff Vandenberg and started my journey of losing 40Kgs today and I already feel great.

Peace...

'Life is the art of drawing without an eraser'
John W. Gardner

Side mirror dreams...

I was driving home tonight and did something I do every time I drive, looked in the side mirror. It was weird because I saw a row of head lights which made me smile. I then thought about a scene from the first Fast and the Furious. They said that real drivers either don't look in there mirrors or that they don't have mirrors, I'm pretty sure it was one of them. If it's true, then I feel sorry for them. It's an incredible thing to see. I'm not sure what it is, but there is something about looking back and seeing what is behind you while driving. It's insane because leading up to getting my P's the hot topic of conversation about it was all about the independence I'll have. Don't get me wrong I feel independent but what has struck me most is the incredible moments I'll experienced while driving alone. Maybe if I am God welcomes me into Heaven, I could drive there, I'm sure He wouldn't mind.

I want to speak...

In 2004 I was asked to go to Tamworth to promote a Mission Trip to Mexico that was happening at the end of that year. A group of us ended up being invited to a Baptist Church. During the service one of the leaders came up to us and said that it would be great if one of us could give our testimony about our life and our Mexico experience. The guys I was with straight away encouraged me to do it. It was the first time I'd ever given my testimony ever or even spoken to such a large group of people before. 5 minutes later, I spoke from my heart about my life and Mexico, it was incredible. ever since then I've had a passion for public speaking and telling my testimony. When I was in Mexico I gave my life to God and told him to use me. God has made me realise that I have a testimony that can and has changed lives, I've seen it with my own two eyes. It's an incredible feeling knowing that you have the power to change lives and I thank Jesus for giving me the ability to stand before a crowd and speak with confidence.

The Road That Leads To Heaven,,,

Was definitely Main North Road last night. I was driving home from Marion with Explosions In The Sky playing, the window down and loving the moment I was in. I've figured out that there is something spiritual about driving at night with chilled out music playing. So it got my thinking about when I leave this Earth. If I go to Heaven, I would love to drive there during the evening with Explosions In The Sky playing.

P for Provisional

Ever since I was 16 years old, I longed to be able to drive. All of my friends and the people I worked with were getting their license except for me. I felt so embarrassed when people would ask me if I have my P's yet, even more embarrassed when they asked if I even had my L's. The truth of the matter is that I was 21 when I got my L's. I'd say about 95% of 21 year old's either have their P's or full license. The real reason why I didn't want to go for my L's was because of the sad reality that I didn't have anyone to teach me how to drive. I moved to S.A when I was 18 and didn't really have a group of friends to call upon in times on need. So getting my L's would have been a constant reminder that I live a lonely life.
3 years later I finally get my L's out of frustration of people asking me when I was going to get it. though it took me 3 months to get someone to teach me how to drive. In those three months, I have bought bought a Nissan Pulsar which I then swapped with my new housemate for his BMW 525E. I am now realising that even though I do have such a small group of friends, they are incredible people. Next week I will be doing my driving test of which I pass I will have my P's. It will one of my most proudest moments. I am going to celebrate it with a road trip to Sydney. With my soon new independence I will be able to apply a Residential Care youth work job, a position that I have wanted to do do for quite some time now.
In closing I want to thank Margaret, Josh, Erica and Luke for helping me get my hours done. Nikki for being such a loving person and for driving me to and from work. Judy, Jess and Luke for your amazing encouragement during this period. Judes, Gringos here we come!

To be or not to be, thus is the feminist question?

Over the past two weeks, Monday nights at Tabor have been extremely powerful for me. I have study Gender and Social Identity which I could listen to for days. The lecture is run by the powerhouse pair of Dee Gray and Steve Johnson, if anyone knows them, they will know that together they are mind blowing amazing. So for the past two weeks we have been looking at feminism and believe it or not, I dare say that yours truly is a feminist. I don't burn bra's out side Government house, but those women who did have inspired a dream of which I want to help come true. That is a world of equality. Where women and men are viewed as equal beings. Although we are created differently, we are created equally. Our differences doesn't mean that one is better than the other, that one should get more pay because of their sex. Though at the end of the day, I believe that all the feminist movement truly wants is to live in a world where there isn't a need to be a feminist movement.

Gringos

Today after my lecture I headed down to Gringos at Glenelg with Judy. Gringos is like a little hide away spot for us. It's an incredible Mexican restaurant where you can just escape all the bullshit that life may be throwing at you. It's always a huge blessing to be at peace there with my friend Jude. I have been inspired by her to start blogging. I've figured that I've got all these insane thoughts constantly swimming around in my head and that they need an escape, hence this blog and the ones to come. I am not sure how often I will post posts but will let the facebook world know when such a thing has happened.
Above is Judes. I study at tabor with Judes and ever since she suggested Margarita's at Gringos after Tabor last year, we have been really close friends. I don't go to Church, but I feel as though Gringos with Judes is my Church. We talk abotu life, random roadtrips etc. It's where I plan my life, where I rest and where I come to meet Jesus...